It’s 22:22 and I’m debating if closing my laptop right now or keep trying to write something coherent to share. The truth is that although my intentions to keep this space updated are good, reality hits me like a non stoppable train going 1000 kph every.single.time.
I knew our lives would change after Olivia’s arrival. The list of additional challenges is big, the most significant (and thankfully forgotten already) was Matias jealousy, after five months I can happily say those days are over, the sibling love is in full mode making my heart burst in happiness (phew!).
Life with two kids can be both exhilarating and frustrating at the same time. Being a parent often means experiencing opposite feelings at the same time, at least that’s what I have found out so far. My heart have never felt so full and yet at the end of the day I could easily feel I haven’t achieve anything (despite the fact my days are rather hectic).
As a designer (and ex dancer) I used to see results in a daily basis, I could close my laptop, go home knowing I create something tangible for everyone else to see. Or (in my dancing days) go home with the feeling I worked hard at a rehearsal and certain things got better than yesterday. Being only a mom in the other hand works quite the opposite, most of the daily tasks become invisible because of their monotonous nature, because of their normality. How to measure the invisible? It’s a complex subject I have no intentions to explore further in this post.
My point is, lately things are busy, where there’s very little time to myself. I wasn’t prepare for that, maybe someone should have warned me that I was going to be doing lots of things with one hand only, that I would probably miss breakfast or lunch, or both (that won’t necessarily translate into weight loss, the chocolate/biscuits diet will compensate), that sometimes the only moment I would look myself in the mirror is before going to bed and then I would ask myself, have I been looking like this all day?.
Eating in a table (with both hands) is a luxury, let alone having a hot drink (did I mention reheating my tea/coffee at least three times before a sip?). No more time for reading books, or blogging, or painting or crafting. Simple tasks become big hurdles like getting change for going out usually involves a very cranky/fussy baby laying in bed demanding attention while I, with one hand (try) to get dressed, with the other hand shake toys and sing silly songs. (Add to this picture a naked boy running around refusing to wear pants), while I do my best to look decent (hello concealer).
The truth is, I know things are difficult now, we took the chance when we decided go for #2, but I also know these days will be over soon and crazy as it sounds we will miss it all. I already do when I see Matias baby pictures, when I see him so grown up and getting so independent, when I hug him and it feels big and strong every day. So for that I’m taking everything in and letting it out, trying to stay strong and focus in only one thing, making sure these kids are happy.
There will be a time for me, that time isn’t now, I can live with that. I made a choice and I’m sticking with it, it has two names, Matias & Olivia. My kids. My life.